Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I discovered Sia’s album “1000 Forms of Fear” and I swear, she is my spirit animal. I’ve declared it as The Official Soundtrack of My Life for the Last 3 years.

I’m walking a fine line between coping and escaping these days. Actually I’ve been walking that line for a while now, some days I’ll feel like I’ve got things under control, other days I’ll feel like I’m losing it.

In order to keep my free time from being entirely composed of boozing and sexing, I’m prioritizing my healthier habits like working out, painting, writing, and meditating.

I finished my first painting two weeks ago and I’ve started a second one. I’ve modified my workout routine to 4 days a week. Day 1 is 30 minutes, day 2 is 45 minutes, and day 3 and 4 are an hour long. I seem to respond well to making plans and changing routines.

But nevertheless I’m staying occupied, trying to keep my calendar filled with different activities and projects, partly out of necessity and partly out of fear. Fear of what may happen if I were to stop or slow down. Fear of what would be there, waiting for me.

“How has your mood been in the last two weeks?”

“I feel like I am spinning out of control… like I’ve fallen off the wagon and not just hit rock bottom, but started to dig. I feel like yes, I am in this hole. This is where I want to be for now. I’ve been overeating, overdrinking, overeverything the last few days. I gave myself a limit. I said, ‘Ok, you can have this weekend. Do whatever you want, however much of it you want, but on Monday, it all comes to an end and your carriage turns back into a pumpkin.'”

“What do you think fueled that binge?” she asked.

“Anger,” I said. “So much anger that I’ve been holding in these last few weeks. And frustration.”

“When your binge came to an end, how did you feel?” she asked.

“Awful,” I said. “Worse because now I have to recover from the binge.”

Therapy is such a taboo subject. It’s often assumed that if you’re seeing a therapist, you’re probably dealing with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes it’s not though. Sometimes it’s just about applying rational thinking to actions.

I openly talk about going to a therapist. I don’t flaunt it, but I don’t hide it either. I’ve learned so much from it because it brings a level of awareness to my actions that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to address. I’ve always believed that enlightenment is the first step to making things better.

If I’m having an off week, like I have been lately, one of the first things we always look at is where in my life am I lacking? Or what am I getting too much of? What is causing me stress?

Last week, I went for a walk in the middle of the day for the first time in weeks. My view from the park bench was much different from what I remembered. The trees were full of leaves now, bringing shade to the benches below. The park fountains were bubbling. This was a much different park from what I remembered and it reminded me that I’ve been so far off the path.

I think I’ve removed the source of the stress, now it’s just a matter of returning the balance.